Posted by: alwaysrkp | February 21, 2009

So many thoughts

My head is just full of them…and being ADD, I just flit from one to the other without ever finishing an entire thought process. I am actually not sure how much of that is brain damage from the chemical wash we ladies get right after childbirth (you know, the one that is supposed to make us forget how hard labor was – but really only makes us forget important details of life that we always remembered before) – or it is a possibility that my thought flitting is just my way of preventing myself from plummeting to the depths of depression!  I like the latter thought best.

Right now, is one of the harder times of my life – and that is saying a lot because my life has been anything but easy.  Outside of childhood (we’ll save that for a mini-series), this time of my life ranks with the other two hardest times of my adult life: an extended time of being out of God’s will, and my mother’s extended illness and death.

Our friends know we have it tough – they just have NO IDEA how really, really bad things are right now.  We do not really want to tell. One reason is we do not want to give the “evil one” any more credit and, if we are going to complain about it, we would really like to be like Job and complain to God – so hopefully at the end, we are restored once again.

This has been a long, hard battle.  It has beat us down until we are nearly pulp.   We have prayed and prayed, cried, complained, trusted that it will all work out, waited and waited, been positive while waiting b/c we SO KNOW our dear Lord has great and marvelous plans for us.  Oh, what haven’t we done….

We have thought of all the various ways the Lord will use this time in our lives to make us better Christians and to make us better at ministering, etc….etc….

And then, a 15 year old dear young lady whom I have been counseling for some months – and who has NO idea how bad things are (she just knows I have been sick a lot) sent me an email – and oh how God used her email to minister to me….

She detailed out the story of Job (minus the chapters of fussing at God)…how the evil one wanted to test him, how God took down the hedge and let the testing begin.  Job lost everything except his complaining, miserable wife.  (Ladies, that should really tell us something – Job goes loses everything but he has to keep the wife who is not encouraging him spiritually – we do not EVER want to be HER.)  Anyway, her analysis – God is letting Satan test us because God knows we will not turn our backs on him and the evil one will leave sulking (last part is mine, not hers).

Hubby and I decided that she has hit the nail on the head.  We are being tested.   It is all in how we respond to it  – will we complain to those around us, or will we only take it to the Lord.? Will we still praise Him even in what seems the darkest hours?  And as a friend of ours once said – Will we be found faithful in the end?

Time will answer these questions but it spurs me on to keep trying to do these things which the Lord has told us so many times.  I do want to only complain to the Lord.  I do want to always praise the Lord.  And I certainly want to be found faithful in the end.

Lord, please help me to do these things. You are a great and mighty Father.  You alone can supply my needs.  You know what I need better than I do.  All things work together for YOUR good.   I need your help.  I need your strength.  I need your patience, love, kindness, joy, happiness.  I need you to give to me so I can keep giving to others.  I  feel like I am running low on my ability to give out.  I need to soak in your presence.  I need to marinate in your glory.  I need to worship you from the depths of my frustration and hurts, from the deepest places of my soul.

Amen and amen.

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