Posted by: alwaysrkp | November 30, 2009

A 2 story house on a cracked foundation!

I have been quiet in the blog world for a while.

Since coming back from Women of Faith, the Lord has really been working in me to heal some of the brokenness I have from my childhood.

Some wounds run deep…and this is one of them.  It goes to the very core of how I define myself.  It affects how I interact with my husband with those I work around.  It is how I see myself.  That folks, is scary.  It is hard to think that one’s perception of oneself might be skewed.

I realized that my earliest memories all involve me trying to figure out what to do in order to be loved – or at least, how to not be hurt.  I had never thought about how your earliest and most significant memories tell you so much about yourself.

As a child, I did not know what love was, but I knew that something was not right in my relationships. I now look back and see that I was constantly trying to alter my behavior in order to find that “perfect setting” – the one at which I could be loved.

Imagine spending your childhood trying to figure out how to be loved.

Translate that to adulthood.  Guess what I do?  I constantly try to figure out how to be the lovable wife, friend, acceptable worker, etc.  I have been doing this without realizing it.  In my mind, I have to be/do” just right” in order to be acceptable or lovable.

When someone isn’t happy with me, I am devastated.  I do not FEEL loved. When I mess up, I do not FEEL lovable.

But I am loved.  God loves me.  Christ loves me. My man loves me.  My children love me.  My friends love me.  They love me, even when I do not FEEL loved…they love me when I mess up, they love me when I have been less than perfect, they love me – just because.

I have to learn to feel loved.  I have to learn to know I am loved.  I have to learn that I am not defined by perfectionism or mistakes.  I have to learn that I am not defined by what someone else thinks of me.

I am defined by what God sees in me and by who he created me to be.  I think I have an idea of who I am supposed to be.  I have been that person all along…it’s just that my perception of who I am has been clouded by my perception of how others thought of me.

I suppose this would seem silly or messy to those who had good childhoods.  Your childhood has a profound effect on the rest of your life.  It is your foundation.  A good foundation holds sure.  A cracked foundation needs repairs.

That’s me – a 2 story house on a cracked foundation.  With the master builder to do my repairs!

Psalm 127:1a Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain.

Hebrews 3:4 For every house is built by someone, but God is the builder of everything.

 

 

 

Otherwise, I have been busy with working, Thanksgiving, Christmas decorations and reading my favorite blogs.

Check back tomorrow – a new post with a challenge is coming!  I think I will have lots to post on this topic in December – plus a few Christmas things to share too.  Looking forward to the next 31 days!

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